I opened my notes app recently

and there was nothing

not entirely blank pages

just pages that didn’t mean anything 

grocery lists

numbers i don’t understand

numbers i do understand but that make me disappointed

there was a time in my life where i was putting down the thoughts in my brain

typing them into a computer onto a screen at 4am 

while the rest of my family slept i tried my best to type quickly and quietly 

i’d let out the chaos that was in my brain 

so that even if not until 3am after the page had frozen and i had to recollect my thoughts and retype it all out and word vomit mynonstopthoughts onto the screen with my boney fingers 

i could go to bed

with a clearer quieter mind 

and lately the chaos and thoughts in my head seem like they never stop

so maybe its time to be back here

just me and the screen

sharing my thoughts before i lose it

to stop myself from wanting to scream